changes

i have mixed feelings about change. i simultaneously love and hate it.

i love how it brings new things. i love feeling like i have a fresh start, because it makes me feel like my mistakes can be forgotten, and any negativity can be left behind. i love the space it leaves for adventure and creativity, and the risks that come with starting over, and changing.

i hate how scary and uncomfortable it can be. i hate feeling unsure of myself, i hate feeling nervous or like i don't know what i'm doing. i hate the nagging cynic in the back of my head telling me that the change i made was the wrong one, and that this new world is going to be full of bad things.

ultimately, change has always worked out with me. i always land on my feet. my mom told me that my grandpa would always say 'all shall be well', which she took as meaning that things will work out. when i left home and moved 5 hours away to go to a college where i knew absolutely no one, that was my motto. 'all shall be well' warped into a lot of other mantras. 'bloom where you are', and 'say yes to everything' came to be sayings that i lived by daily. this feeling of open mindedness really reassured me during my first two years of college, where everything was scary and uncertain. it helped me to look at how new, strange things would eventually turn into something positive, even if the journey getting there was a bit rocky. all shall be well; and indeed it was.

i feel like i'm in need of a new change. i recently told my boyfriend that it was crazy to think that in a year from now i would be graduating and seeking a career. in a year from now i would be done with school, and moving into a VERY different part of my life. its crazy to think how much things will change, and all that change is currently just looming there on the horizon. i feel like that - the change looming on the horizon - is whats inspiring me to change right now. i want to speed things up, i want to plunge right in to things that are new and different. maybe then i'll be better prepared for the big change to come, because for a year i'll be making small, but still significant changes.

here are some of the things i have in mind:

i want to meet new people. i'm grateful for the friends i have now, and i want to continue to strengthen the bond i have with some of them, but i'm ready to make new space for new people. i want to surround myself with people who uplift and inspire me, who excite me and who i can be myself around. that will require a big change, since for the past two years i've felt that socially, i've been a little less than authentic. fitting in is hard, and i think i've put too much of an emphasis on not being left out, and not enough emphasis on finding a place i really want to fit in.

i want to change jobs. i work with kids and i've been working with kids for a long time. i'm studying to become an elementary teacher, and i'll be starting student teaching this upcoming year. its made me think if i actually like working with kids. thankfully, i do (if i realized i really hated kids that would be a change that i am not ready to handle) but i want to branch out and try something new. i want to work a job that i've never worked before. i want to challenge myself. i think it will make me a better teacher, and a better person, by branching out and taking a risk, and applying my skills and knowledge in a new area. 

i want to write. note that i've been writing for my whole life. its something i take semi-seriously. i take it seriously enough to finish books and devote significant amounts of my time to planning, drafting, and editing. but i don't take it seriously enough to publish anything. for some reason, in my mind, publishing a novel is impossible. its only for celebrities, people with lots of money and connections, or people who have already been published successfully before. more and more i'm seeing recommendations for books that are the first the author has ever published. its given me the reassurance that every great author had to be published for the first time, and i can do it too. 

i want to change up my style. this one may seem a bit more superficial than the others, but style and clothing are both very important to me. i've spent the last year curating a whole new wardrobe, and i feel like i'm finally ready to stop shopping and start styling. (i also need to not spend so much money at thrift stores) i want to start taking fashion risks again, and wear outfits that i love and can express myself with. i don't want to be afraid of judgement or sticking out when i wear something. i want to wear it with confidence, as well as do something unexpected. last summer i was, of course, working with kids and had to wear baggy tshirts and shorts all summer long. i'm looking for jobs that have a more fashion forward dress code, but also challenging myself to dress up on my days off. i even downloaded a 'style challenge' from pinterest that gives outfit prompts for a whole month.

overall, i'm ready for something new. covid has made life monotonous and boring. nothing new seems to be happening. even with the vaccine, life in isolation is still plodding along. while the world may not be ready to go completely back to normal, to make a big change from pandemic life to normal life, i'm ready for a change. so i'm going to try to make these small changes, to make my world feel a little bit different even if some things aren't totally ready to change just yet.

here's to the important changes ahead. i hope this summer brings everyone a renewed sense of clarity and joy. i'll be rooting for you.

​<3